Let’s unpack one of the most common complaints I hear from men about their partners when they come to see me for sex and intimacy coaching: “We don’t have sex anymore. I don’t understand why” These men don’t feel wanted or desired. And they don’t know what to do about it.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over my years of coaching couples, it’s that good relationships aren’t created by chance, or some magical star struck union that was meant to be. Good relationships happen because two people both agree that there are rules of engagement that make them good.
When a dating couple moves into a long-term relationship, flirting, naughtiness, teasing can slowly fade away. Once the 2-year relationship warrantee is up, the light, breezy erotic exchange that first drew us to our partner can dim. We might even consciously turn down our flirtatiousness, if it’s linked in our minds to sexual expectations and potential disappointment.
Let’s stop ignoring the elephant in our relationship and start talking about it. We can even thank the elephant for sticking around and reminding us that we’re ignoring our own sensual and sexual needs. You might ask yourself, what are my sexual and sensual needs? What would it look like to have them met? How do I want to be seen and accepted in my sexuality?
We’re together with our partner day in and day out. Each week looks the same as the last. The passing scenery isn’t changing. We’re not even sure of our destination anymore. We’re just going along, without having much impact on how the trip is progressing. We’ve become passive passengers in our relationship, cruising in automatic.
The number one reason most people say they don’t speak their truth to their partner is because they don’t want to hurt their feelings. But I think it runs deeper than that. I think we don’t want to speak our truth because we’re not confident about having a conversation that will lead us to the deeper intimacy that can be found in truth telling.
I consider relationship jealousy to be one of the more painful emotional challenges, regardless of your chosen relationship model. No one teaches us how to protect ourselves from the agonizing grip of jealousy. In full force jealousy is emotionally (and physically) overwhelming. It not only cuts to our deepest fear of not being loved, but on a very primal level, jealousy is a warning sign that even our physical survival may be threatened if we were to lose our partner to another.
By engaging in honest self-reflection and exploring the source of our stories, we can better understand ourselves and improve relationships by approaching conversations with clarity instead of fear or judgement. By owning up to what we’re telling ourselves and actively listening to our inner dialogue, we can unravel distorted thinking and create healthier connections with those around us.
When two people get together to form a relationship, there are two sets of wounds merging and intertwining, our partner’s and our own. We know when our old wounds are being dragged into a conflict because our pain and defensiveness will suddenly spike. If our partner is speaking the same words as our inner abuser, the armor will go up, and disagreements will escalate into shouting, tearful battles.
Feeling desired is often the part of our sexual experience that gets lost in long-term relationships. We can become better lovers, more sensitive listeners, more generous givers, even more desirous lovers ourselves, but if we’re not feeling desired, that missing piece can leave a painful void in our sexual experience. Let’s acknowledge that we all have a deep need to feel desired.